Thursday, April 12, 2012

A Feeling of Dread

For those of you who have to go to doctor's appointments regularly, you are probably familiar with the sickening feeling of dread that I go through the few days prior to a new test result coming back or an unexpected appointment that is likely being called to discuss bad news. It starts out with extreme anxiety. I worry about my treatment being stopped. I worry that my doctor will drop me because I'm too complicated to deal with. I worry my liver is failing. I worry that whatever treatment is suggested will be unaffordable for me. I worry, worry, worry all the time about everything. I get physically sick and nauseous every time I have to go back to any doctor.

I have been very fortunate health-wise for most of my life. I have never had any health issues prior to Lyme. I'm also fortunate, that so far, I don't have any signs of the more common deadly diseases. One of my biggest fears has always been cancer and I have a lot of admiration for the many thousands of people who are able to go through cancer treatments and still keep a positive attitude. I know I would not be able to have a positive outlook in that situation. I would like to, but I am not a naturally optimistic person and I'm sure that impedes my progress sometimes.

So today I sit worrying and counting the minutes until I have to leave for my 1.5 hour drive to my LLMD to get more bad news. I have so much anxiety that I think I may need to go exhaust myself again even though I know my heart is not doing well lately. At this point, I don't even care. Running is my only stress relief and I am very close to having an emotional breakdown from all of this stress and pressure that's been coming from trying to lower liver enzymes in a ridiculously short amount of time to meet an ultimatum.

I absolutely HATE not having control of things. I can see how people think I have a personality that might lead to an eating disorder. I feel like a failure every time something goes wrong. This definitely leads to me obsessing about things that I can control. I have already done this with food by restricting dairy, gluten and sugar. I'm not doing it to lose weight. Simply to try to do something for myself to impede the reproduction of borrelia since I'm not getting much help lately elsewhere. Since that's not working, I'm going to have to look into something else that I can control for myself. Research is one thing. I do that all the time. However, what good is doing the research when you don't have anyone to implement it or take it seriously?

Well, I'd better go running before I bring everyone else down today. Hopefully any readers of this post are not feeling like I do right now. Hopefully you all are making some progress and are headed back toward a normal and healthy life. :)