Tuesday, April 17, 2012

OCD and Manic Exercise

Last week I had a few days where I had extreme anxiety. I felt like I HAD to exercise excessively or something bad would happen. I literally went running for 5 miles, came home for 30 minutes and went back out to run another 3-4.

I did this for about 3 days and then had a break over the weekend where I was able to calm myself down. Today, it's back. I went running twice today. Once 5 miles, the second time 3.5. Normally, I'd be happy about this, but I'm not. Something is not right. My body feels terrible but my mind wants me to exert myself to a dangerous point.

I have had OCD-like tendencies before. Pretty much my whole life I've been obsessive about various things. I always have to have everything perfect, everything in control. The uncertainty of Lyme is really getting to me because of the lack of control.

I used to be obsessive about germs. Especially germs getting into my bed. I know.........it's really weird. I would obsessively wash my feet if they touched the floor because I didn't want the germs getting into my bed. I would also make sure that any pajamas I wore came right out of the washing machine and hadn't touched anything in between the dryer and wearing them. I obsessively showered every night to rid myself of germs.

I started to calm down some of those "rituals" over the past few months, but today they started coming back. Except this time, instead of germs, I'm obsessed with exercise. I ran twice today and I just got back. I am having extreme anxiety right now and I feel like I have to go running again!

I'm not sure what's causing this. Is it the doxycycline? A co-infection like bartonella surfacing? My liver enzymes making me crazy?

I'm so embarrassed by this whole thing. I have never brought up the OCD with my LLMD. I don't like to talk about these weird psychological type things. I don't want people to think I'm crazy. My LLMD knows about the hyperactive thing last week. I kind of downplayed it though. Maybe I should bring it up again and make sure he knows that it's not a normal type of energy. It's not improvement, it's something harmful in my opinion.