Friday, September 28, 2012

Financial Worries

As I get closer to entering my repayment period on my student loans, I am starting to get extremely worried. I have a substantial student loan debt. It's over $50,000. I did not expect that I would not be able to find a job after graduation. I also didn't expect that I would be so weak with progressing neurological symptoms in my 20's.

What do I do? How do I get a job when half the time I can't move my left hand, am dizzy all the time and am so weak I cannot stand? How do I pay back this debt? Loan lenders don't care about your problems.

My car is also on it's way out. It's over 100,000 miles. That will mean I can't travel to doctor's appointments. I have no other way to get there. There is no public transportation in my rural area.

Doctors appointments..............that's another thing that will prevent me from taking a normal 9-5 job even if I am offered one. I don't think too many employers will be okay with letting a new hire out early once a week for appointments. Not that I'm even being offered any positions. I have 3 college degrees and cannot even get a minimum wage job in retail or food services.

Things are just not good right now. I have not slept in days because of a chest pressure that keeps me awake and makes it uncomfortable to sleep on my back. I'm so exhausted during the day that I can't function. In the early morning I'm up worrying, searching for jobs, and trying to figure out what I can do to get myself out of this mess.

The other day, I was at someone's house visiting. A little girl asked me if I could braid her hair. This is something I've done thousands of times. As I went to start the braid, I realized I suddenly had no idea how! I couldn't remember how and could not do it. Shortly after as we were watching a movie, I realized that everything sounded distorted. I felt extremely strange and I couldn't understand anything I was hearing. This stuff is getting scary! I don't know what to do anymore.

I am sometimes so sad. I feel like Lyme has taken away my whole life. I feel like I'll never be able to afford the treatment to get better and I'll just keep declining. I am so upset with my life right now. I literally have lost everything this past year. I have no career, no spouse, no finances, no level of health, and right now it just seems like no positive future. The only thing I have is piles of mounting debt that I cannot repay and symptoms that seem to worsen day by day.