Sunday, October 14, 2012

Trust Issues and Lyme

I met with my LLMD again to follow up  on some recent changes to my protocol. This time I decided that I would directly bring up my concern of being dropped as a patient. I based this concern on some things he has said to me several times. Apparently I was misunderstanding the situation because he said that he was not intending on doing that. That information takes a huge load of stress off me. I have been worried for months about potentially and unexpectedly being on my own with this.

I have been trying to hide the severity of a lot of my symptoms because I was afraid that if I started to get too sick, I would be sent somewhere else. My options are severely limited financially.  I'm starting to not be able to hide things anymore so I'm glad that I brought up my concerns and they were addressed. My LLMD probably thinks I'm very mistrustful of him specifically, but he should see what I'm like with other doctors for comparison!

I made some changes and I agreed to do a test at the hospital which I was previously VERY against. I decided that after the length of time I have been going to this LLMD, I am going to have to try to trust his judgement regarding certain things. I hate it when things get out of control and I have to depend on someone else to decide what the next step should be.

The problem with this test is that I have pretty severe germ OCD that my LLMD is not fully aware of. I have mentioned it casually but he has no idea how severe it once was or how difficult it is for me to even set foot in a hospital. I also have severe trust issues with hospitals after a very traumatic event that involved a close family member. I didn't tell him either of these things because frankly, there is nothing he or anyone else could possibly say or do to change these feelings in a short amount of time. I just need to rationalize and talk myself down. I don't need to add psychological disorders onto a permanent medical file.

 I will probably be able to hold things together while in the hospital, but as soon as I'm out, I'm very likely to completely break down. I had been getting a LOT better with OCD, but I'm worried that this test could put me over the edge and create a strong OCD relapse.

I'm also not looking forward to dealing with other doctors knowing what the consensus of opinions is regarding chronic Lyme. I'm not intending on discussing anything with them. They will not change my mind over to the IDSA point of view so I don't expect that I can change them over either. It's not worth the aggravation right now.

I'm going to act like I don't know anything about the test or why it's being ordered.  The ignorance act shouldn't be difficult to get away with since in my experience, most doctors tend to treat me like I don't know anything and shouldn't dare to question their judgement. It's hard to tell if that's because of my age, my gender, or the fact that I have chronic Lyme. I can't change the first two, but I don't need to add to the condescension by mentioning Lyme and arguing with them. I'm likely not going to get anywhere, and while they won't give my opinions a second thought, the things they say will stick with me and bother me for a long time.

After all, what do patients know about their own symptoms and their own bodies? I have a graduate degree in research, but I'm incapable of possibly being able to research or comprehend anything medically related according to some of these doctors. I hope they just do the test like they are being paid to do. I'm not asking for their opinions.