Friday, November 30, 2012

Will I ever feel normal again?

I'm not having a good week physically or psychologically. My muscle pain returned very strongly in my calves. I could not walk up stairs yesterday without extreme pain. I'm also not able to eat a normal amount. I'm lucky if I can consume 500 calories per day and it's been like that all week. Most of the 500 calories are from liquids. My hands were frustrating me beyond belief the other day because I couldn't button an outfit.

I started thinking about long-term again which is never good.......but I couldn't help it. I never expected this to happen. I worked so hard all through high school and 6 years of college so that I could be successful in life. Then right in my last year of college, I contracted or re-activated Lyme. Since then it's mostly been a downward spiral with very limited (if any) lasting improvement.

I know several of the big name LLMD's (and my own) have said that there is a certain percentage of people (10% or so) that do not get better with treatment. For those people, they still don't know what to do to help them. I'm starting to think I'm one of them. 

Everything I've worked for is meaningless now. I can't do what I was trained to do. I can't even complete simple tasks sometimes. I'm so worn out and run-down. I have to focus on just making it through each day and instead of looking forward to days ahead, I dread them. I wish that Lyme had a cure and that it had not ruined my life and so many other people's as well.