Sunday, January 13, 2013

I'm scared today........

Today has been a tough day for me. I overdid things yesterday with snowboarding and that experience made me realize how weak I've gotten from Lyme. I haven't gotten up out of bed all day. I'm feverish, in a lot of pain, and very mentally and emotionally drained. My mind is completely abnormal. I feel completely out of it. I have extreme depression and anxiety and I can't stop crying. I'm so upset. I've been getting worse symptom-wise for months. I feel like I'm never going to be the same as I was or even feel somewhat healthy again.

I wasn't able to do a B12 shot today. I know that the lack of B12 is making the depression worse. My muscles are twitching too much. I was afraid that I would hurt myself if I tried to do it with twitching hands. I still have some fear after what happened the other day with the scary shot experience.  I'm afraid that will happen again.

I know I'm depressed when I'm not even looking forward to a vitamin IV. I don't know why I get so down and ready to give up. It's not like me at all and I think it could be either a side effect of one of my antibiotics or from herxing.

Either way,  I just feel like this combination is pretty much my last option and it's not working. I've tried everything but IV antibiotics (which I cannot afford). I'm worried that all of this will be permanent. I don't know how I will ever be able to live the rest of my life like this especially if it continues to get worse. I've tried so hard to get better. I've taken all kinds of antibiotics, herbs and  supplements. I haven't eaten gluten, sugar or dairy for a year. I just don't know what else I can do. I hate being out of control. I'm scared of how my life is going and I feel like there's no way for me to change it.