Monday, August 19, 2013
I had a mild fever and apparently even though I could barely feel the heart palpitations at the time that I was in the office, apparently my heart was beating abnormally. So another doctor came in and said he thought it was A-Fib and told my PCP to send me for an EKG and I have to go to a cardiologist before I can resume any Lyme treatment. Since I've had this symptom all along, even prior to seeing my LLMD, I have no idea what suddenly made it so urgent. I had to go to the ER for the EKG since it was after hours. I did the EKG and I'm home, but now I'm in a full panic attack because I was pulled off all medications and the last time I was off everything I declined very quickly and had seizures.
I'm losing it emotionally. I feel like crap and I'm so weak that I'm near collapse, but I had to go running many times to keep my mind off my germ OCD. I am extremely upset and crying. The entire time of the EKG and sitting around waiting in various beds and chairs I was focused on all the different things that my skin was contacting and the germs that were getting on me. I am literally sobbing right now because I can't take the thoughts of it. I showered obsessively last night but I still feel like there are germs on me.
So I went running at 3:00 a.m. I had to, and I will probably go again later today because my anxiety level right now is through the roof. It was pitch black and there were literally bats flying all over the place but I didn't care. I don't even care if something happens with my heart. Several years ago my dad was in the ER having a heart attack and was not helped whatsoever by doctors. They didn't even call a cardiologist. They allowed him to progress into full cardiac arrest and then they covered up the fact that they didn't treat him appropriately by falsifying the time that he arrived at the hospital on their forms. So my attitude has always been that if I'm dying, so be it. I'd rather die at home or out doing something I enjoy than rely on a hospital to do anything to help the situation.
The ER doctor I saw was a real winner...........The first question he asked me was if I'm a runner. Followed by "Do you do cocaine?" Ummmm..........yeah, I literally don't even take caffeine and does he actually think that if someone did use cocaine they would tell him? What kind of question is that? Other than those two questions, I was so vague in my answers that he just let me go. He was staring me down trying to figure out why I wouldn't answer his questions or discuss my symptoms with him. I didn't want his advice or his treatment. I wanted to get the EKG over with and get out. So I told him only about the heart palpitations and none of the other 20+ symptoms that accompany it daily.
I asked a doctor that I know socially about his feelings towards the cardiologist that I was referred to since he's worked with him in the past. He said the individual doctor is okay, but in general the cardiologists he's worked with do unnecessary procedures on people to bring in money. Those procedures cause complications that he has to deal with in his specialty and then the cardiologists expect him to cover up the fact that their unnecessary procedures created the patients' permanent disabilities. So that makes me feel great about this referral.......... Plus the fact that nobody around here takes Lyme seriously so I can't even be honest about my diagnosis, symptoms, or even mention Lyme. I just don't want to do any of it. I feel like it's not going to be helpful in any way to go to a doctor that has no interest or experience in the complications of Lyme. Plus I'm already in a horrific panic attack and going to another appointment may put me over the edge.
Whatever. I don't care anymore about anything. I don't like to depend on doctors and I never did. I have no way to help myself with symptoms and no advice on what to do to prevent things from worsening in the time until the appointment. And nobody cares including myself. I don't know why or how I keep getting up every day. I've said this before. I would never intentionally harm myself, but I wouldn't care if I never woke up again. The way I function right now is a very low quality of life anyway.
Posted by Key Lyme Pie