Sunday, February 22, 2015

I feel like I'm settling

So this hasn't been a good week for me. I had a great day the other day after a glutathione IV. I was able to go running for the first time in weeks. My BP didn't drop. I didn't get snapped by my pacemaker. I got my usual glimpse of normalcy before my health took a turn for the worse like it does every week. I'm exhausted, my pacemaker isn't even noticing when my BP is in the 60's/30's and I can barely get up. I'm miserable. I'm dreading every minute of every day. I don't even want to get up, let alone try to run (which I normally do as much as I can). I have no motivation to even try anymore because whether on or off my autonomic dysfunction meds, I will still feel like crap and have no control of what my heart or blood pressure decide to do at a given moment. It's frustrating and physically and mentally exhausting.

Something else has been bothering me too. Despite the fact that the medications for autonomic dysfunction aren't even working, there's another reason I don't take them routinely. I feel like I'm settling. To the surprise of several people, it's not only me that thinks my health problems are due to Lyme. A neurologist at an anti-Lyme university hospital admitted it as well after I had pretty abnormal test results. So by taking medications for individual Lyme symptoms I feel like I'm taking the easy way out by using band-aid meds to mask things. They're not curing anything. They're covering things up. On the other hand, I'm not new to treating Lyme and I've tried everything I can afford and access to treat that. Herbs, oral antibiotics, supplements, etc. For some reason nobody has ever tried to get even the standard one month of IV Rocephin covered for me despite a positive Lyme test and documented heart block. I don't quite understand that, but I can't force people to do things they aren't willing to do.

I had similar feelings right before I got my pacemaker. I knew it would not cure me. So did my cardiologist. My fear of the pacemaker wasn't the surgery........it was that I was going to artificially keep myself alive only to suffer the rest of my life with debilitating symptoms that are completely preventing me from living like a normal person. I don't want that. I don't want to live like this or get worse for the rest of my life. I don't think my cardiologist even realizes how bad I feel daily. The last time I tried to describe some of the symptoms he told me "we can't expect perfection." Perfection? I'm so sick most days that I wish that my heart would have stopped for good in August. This is not a life.

Part of my current morbid attitude may be due to some of the changes lately. Bystolic.......that might be depressing me like Toprol did. It could also be Plaquenil setting in. That is a tough med for me. I'm not exactly sure why. It's definitely not the strongest of the Lyme meds for most people.

I don't know what's going on, I just know I don't feel well physically and it's getting to me emotionally. There is never anything I can do to improve the situation no matter how hard I try or how many medications I take.